The homemade ski trip
As the nights draw in and the temperature plummets there are few who are fortunate to live close enough to the mountains to simply strap on their skis and get after it.
Sending it down a freshly-groomed piste is the highlight of the year for many intrepid skiers or snowboarders so if, like me you are looking at the distinct likelihood that this year's ski trip will have to be put on hold - or worse cancelled, then worry not! I am here to save your ski season with the most authentic ski trip South East London can deliver and you don't even have to leave your house.
Follow these simple steps to have the trip of a lifetime all while saving thousands on the real-life alternative.
The time off
Book it. This is important. If you are to truly embark on a virtual gnar-shredding weekend [or longer], you must treat it like the real deal. This means time off work or studying, time off social commitments and an understanding from others living with you that if they are not joining you on the send-express they are to accept the fact that while you may be physically taking up space you are mentally in the mountains. This will absolve you from such regular activities like eating at "scheduled" meal times, doing chores, going to bed "on time". Remember - while they may be operating within the confines of reality, you're on mountain-time bruh!
The flight
You're going to need to pack a bag. Remember, we're going for authentic here, so this should include everything you need for the trip - toiletries too. Get your bags ready and somewhere accessible as you'll be living out of your suitcase for the whole trip.
Don't forget your carry-on bag, make sure you've got your book, iPad, headphones and anything else you'll be needing during the 2-hour flight. Now you have to walk to where the plane is waiting, in our case this is your car. - no car? No problem, you get to skip the check-in and just have to enjoy your "flight" in your smallest room - maybe even the toilet.
Car option taken - I'm afraid there are no baggage handlers on sendy-air so we have to load the bags into the boot. We're also flying economy so it's the back seats of the car for this trip. Sit back, relax and maybe take in an in-flight movie or catch some extra sleep so you're ready to hit the slopes immediately upon arrival!
The slopes
Hitting the slopes straight away - I like your style, let's get changed into our ski gear and do a equipment checklist before heading out to the white.
Riding with a crew?
Just because your ski buddies are locked down too doesn't mean you can't still enjoy the same virtual trip. The wonders of technology mean we just have to add a couple of steps to make this a collective achievement.
Co-ordination is key, so with scheduled flights, walkie talkies charged [or apps with similar capabilities installed] we can make sure we're all riding together.
Flying solo?
We can still enjoy the thrill of crushing that fresh pow-pow sans-entourage. Those guys just slow you down anyway.
What we're going to need…
For the range of mountain riding we're looking for it's good to have options. The same ski area can keep interest if snow conditions change, but as we are working with "virtual" conditions we might want to change it up.
Dig out that Nintendo Wii, along with the Wii Fit balance board - that one someone bought because it really was going to "kick-start their fitness regime", it'll be in a cupboard somewhere - no luck? That's fine, you can pick up all these things from game exchange stores or online and at a fraction of the cost of a flight!
Nintendo Wii console
Nintendo Wii Fit Balance Board
Wii "Winter Sports" game
Wii "Shaun White Snowboarding" game
Wii "Family Ski" game
We're now all set to head to a number of different slopes and get the rush. Remember, for authenticity always look the part and please wear a helmet - safety first! As well as safety we want to replicate conditions as closely as possible so open up that window, set the air conditioning to low and get after it. These games have a variety of play modes and should keep us occupied for as long as our holiday lasts.
The ski lifts
One advantage of going on a virtual jaunt is we don't have to worry about lift queues! This might tempt you to keep shredding without a rest, which can lead to burnout and end our season early - which would be a bummer.
We can fix this. We will enforce mandatory breaks in between runs, this will mean heading outside, perhaps the garden and enjoying the simple pleasure of a chairlift ride. If you’re with a buddy set your chairs next to each other and spend 5 minutes just chatting about the next run or sitting in silence, visualising those turns or get that walkie talkie out and check in with your crew. Flying solo? Take this time to enjoy some contemplation or meditation, or even a nip from the hip flask, we are on holiday after all!
The aprés ski
The perfect end to a hard day hitting the runs is to hit the ski bars for some aprés drinks before heading back for dinner. The problem with aprés ski “IRL” is that there are best bits from each continent and country when it comes to the aprés scene. You get friendly service from the Americans, fantastic fondue from the Swiss, great wine from the French, ramen from the Japanese and Schlager music from the Austrians.
Why compromise? With every food delivery service at our disposal let's get the fondue and the ramen, double-fist a beer and a carafe of wine, all while listening to the crazy oompah techno at volume 11; Find a Spotify playlist, open a bottle of jäger and hit the garden for a session! Just make sure you use headphones if those close by aren't on the party train too.
The chalet
No ski trip is complete without the cosy mountain digs. Another benefit of the virtual trip is that you are always ski-to-door. Get back inside, close that window and turn the heating all the way up. No working fireplace? No worries, get one of those Youtube loops of a fire on a screen somewhere and pull out all of those blankets that are saved for guests but never get used - throw them over everything. The professionals call it set-dressing, we will call it Chalet-fi-cating.
Comfy? Perfect, now we can start winding down. The Schlager can be saved for tomorrow, something lo-fi can replace it on the stereo and you can start the chilli. The longer you have to cook the better it will be and the more you make, the less cooking you have to do for the rest of the trip.
For efficiency we're eating chilli every night, the only thing that changes is what it's served with. Ideally the chilli should include at least 750ml red wine and 500ml jalapeños for full effect and make sure you've got at least 1kg of cheese, you will need it.
Settle in for a movie, either one about skiing / snowboarding or other inspirational themes but if in doubt choose something like Rambo, it doesn't matter which one. Once you've woken up halfway through the night on the sofa, covered in chilli, make your way to bed but don't forget to set your alarm for 07:00 - we ride early - first lifts FTW!
The morning
Without a flight to contend with we can now rinse and repeat the schedule each day for however long this trip of a lifetime is, the only alteration is the morning. Take a cold shower. Get mountain ready and simulate a cold plunge to kick start that metabolism.
Make sure you take on plenty of calories in the morning, a day out on the slopes burns more than your average day and being layered up in your ski gear is going to cause you to lose a lot of water, take a camelbak on "the mountain" to keep hydrated.
Overdone it on day 1? No worries, it can be hard to hold back when it comes to the first taste of that mountain air. If you've killed your quads or strained a hammy but still want to get your slice of the action you can always opt for some other winter games; try your hand at curling, have a snowball fight or start your new career as an ice skating judge - that triple lutz was not landed clean! Don't have a subscription to ice-dancing-daily? Youtube's got your back, it's not like you remember the 1997 world championships anyway.
The end
While authenticity is a key part of enjoying our trip and really getting into the spirit of it, there are some things we can happily let slide. No one enjoys that wait at the airport, the sad realisation that you're leaving the mountains behind until the next time, sore from crushing it at full tilt, and a long journey until you reach your own comfy bed.
Let's ditch that! You can still empty your bag straight into the washing machine when you "return" to the real world and spend the rest of the day recovering and reminiscing about those jumps you nailed, the speed you hit and the simpler life on the mountain.
Back to reality may be sad, but remember; now you have the toolkit needed for a homemade ski trip, you can take one any time you want. You don’t have to wait for winter and any time you are hankering for a bit of snow you can jump right in, as deep - or shallow - as you want.
Get after it, stay safe and respect the send.
